Everything Quotes

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Religion is just mind control.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Think off-center.

Always do whatever's next.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.

The strongest principle of growth lies in the human choice.

It will never rain roses: when we want to have more roses we must plant more trees.

Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.

I'm not denyin' the women are foolish. God Almighty made 'em to match the men.

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.

Our deeds still travel with us from afar, and what we have been makes us what we are.

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.

It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them.

Death is the king of this world: 'Tis his park where he breeds life to feed him. Cries of pain are music for his banquet.

Jealousy is never satisfied with anything short of an omniscience that would detect the subtlest fold of the heart.

Truth has rough flavours if we bite it through.

Little children are still the symbol of the eternal marriage between love and duty.

What makes life dreary is the want of a motive.

The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men.

Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.

Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another.

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined - to strengthen each other - to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.