Everything Quotes

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.