Everything Quotes

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Take my wife... Please!

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.

Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.

Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.

Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.

Things do not change; we change.

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.

The smallest seed of faith is better than the largest fruit of happiness.

Nature will bear the closest inspection. She invites us to lay our eye level with her smallest leaf, and take an insect view of its plain.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.

Live the life you've dreamed.