Robin Williams
stand-up comedian, television actor, film actor, actor, comedian, film producer, screenwriter, audiobook narrator, stage actor, voice actor, mime artist
Read on Wikipedia1951 – 2014
All Quotes by Robin Williams
“Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.”
“A lot of vets like 'Good Morning Vietnam' - I get great letters from guys.”
“People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.”
“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.”
“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.”
“Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money.”
“If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.”
“Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.”
“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”
“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”
“Carpe per diem - seize the check.”
“A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.”
“I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.”
“I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.”
“The idea of having a steady job is appealing.”
“Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.”
“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
“Comedy is acting out optimism.”
“I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born.”
“Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.”
“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!”
“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.”
“When I went home from Juilliard, I couldn't find acting work.”
“I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.”
“I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.”
“We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.”
“My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.”
“I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.”
“A lot of vets like 'Good Morning Vietnam' - I get great letters from guys.”
“I've never been asked to appear on 'I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!,' so I guess I mustn't be on the professional skids just yet.”
“With film roles, it just has to be a character either I haven't done before, or a role with somebody really interesting or with an interesting person or group of people.”
“The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.”
“I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.”
“You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.”
“In America they really do mythologise people when they die.”
“In 'The Secret Agent,' it's basically a character that was admired by Theodore Kaczynski, which is some fan mail you don't really want to open. This is a man who is a chemist and who specializes in making bombs and despises humanity.”
“When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'”
“Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money.”
“Carpe per diem - seize the check.”
“The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.”
“I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.”
“The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction.”
“Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.”
“Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.”
“I enjoy performing for heavily armed people. It's easier than going to Georgia.”
“The idea of Juilliard was that it would give you this toolbox full of skills that you could take with you and apply to anything.”
“When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.”
“I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time.”
“If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“I knew Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were really talented. As actors, they were both studly young men, and they had great writers' chops.”
“For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.”
“I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.”
“I met Nelson Mandela, and I really didn't know what to say. It was years ago at a benefit. I was just in awe of this man because of what he'd done.”
“It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work.”
“One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre.”
“I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators."”
“When I went home from Juilliard, I couldn't find acting work.”
“Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!”
“I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, 'My boy's got learnin'!'”
“You're only given a little spark of madness and if you lose that, you're nothing.”
“From the point of view of being in the public radar, comedians have less problems than other actors. Action movie stars like Stallone or Schwarzenegger usually attract the more aggressive fans.”
“Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready."”
“Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.”
“Parry is a man with a previous life that was so damaged that he had to create another personality. … It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome: Some people respond to traumatic or tragic events by withdrawal; some even create other personalities. Parry is a creation — somewhat Don Quixote, somewhat Groucho Marx — but he's a creation designed to avoid a past event.”
“Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone.”
“Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.”
“There's a show in America where all these people compete with ferrets, and they don't even do anything. They basically just hold them up, and if they don't bite you, they might win.”
“I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.”
“I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.”
“I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish.”
“[as a Shakespearean narrator] Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.”
“I'm much more open to being a supporting actor right now. At the age of 60, I'll be second fiddle. Fine. I'm happy to do it.”
“I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."”
“Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier.”
“There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People: They're kinda like flowers and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.”
“I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor.”
“My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going, "Two Jews walk into a bar..."”
“Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.”
“Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."”
“In the process of looking for comedy, you have to be deeply honest. And in doing that, you'll find out here's the other side. You'll be looking under the rock occasionally for the laughter.”
“The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.”
“We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!”
“They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called home basing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!”
“[On football] You're playing a game against a man called the Refrigerator! He's not a refrigerator – he's a goddamn HOUSE with LEGS!!”
“The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!”
“[On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience] Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!”
“Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!”
“[Comparing Ronald Reagan's Cabinet to Star Wars] There's Henry Kissinger as Yoda, "Must now cannot see understanding that I be here for you. I will show you now, Nicaragua, Cambodia, Nicaragua, Cambodia, shhh. Must later understand!"”
“Cocaine addiction is God's way of saying "You make too damn much money!"”
“Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.”
“If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair.”
“Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"”
“The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"”
“(On creating) And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“(Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a light bulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up."”
“I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!”
“(Imitating Pavarotti) "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"”
“Now, Michael Jackson is claiming racism. I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first." Baby, what are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?”
“What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter…just add a Honey Baked Ham and you've got a redneck Christmas. Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a shit load better than dirt, #1. #2, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, (intense, stoned stare) "Pop-Tarts!"”
“And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
“Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.”
“One of the fundamental things is in a jihad. That sounds like a country western term like, "Jiii-had!"”
“And people say to me, they say Jesus wasn't Jewish. I say of course he was Jewish. 30 years old, single, lives with his parents. Come on! Work in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift! He's Jewish! Give it up!”
“But I know, as beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi...he was a prick. I saw him sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying, 'Who's your diaper daddy? Who's your diaper daddy?'"”
“When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”
“And the French. The French have a bomb, too. Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb—ah! Only destroys restaurants under 4 stars. And they still test their bombs. They're one of the few people who still detonate their bombs. The underground test. Where do they do it? In the Sahara in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? "Because we're French. [pantomimes smoking a cigarette] Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest—fuck off. I sink you.”
“[About the Swiss] The nice Germans, Yeah. Or as they like to say, the other white race. Now, I have only one question. How can you trust an army, how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First, you pull the cork out, sniff it, say, 'Meat or fish?', and throw! (Military cadence) I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold! Ja!"”
“Nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.”
“And I know many of you are looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and nonfiction, in the fantasy aisle.”
“[talking to woman in audience about newcomers] That's your old boss? Did you fuck him? [loud laugher] Sorry. Okay. Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington.”
“And California weed is kick-ass fuckin' weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go "Oh, don't smoke that weed, man." It's California Catatonic. The type of weed, you hit it and it's like...[pantomimes smoking a blunt] "FUCK! Shit...I'm not doing something. What is it? Oh right, BREATHE!"”
“And if they legalize it, they're gonna have to regulate it and they're gonna have to put a warning on a box of joints. It's gonna have to say, "Surgeon General has determined this will make your music...awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before..."”
“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Somebody's losing a trailer.”
“[imitating weatherman] "Okay, let's go to our new hurricane weather map...(screen behind him shows a massive cyclone) ...FUCK! This is Hurricane Siobhan. The map is the entire South. The asshole in the middle is Dallas...um, crazy...back to you, Ted, I just shit myself.”
“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.”
“There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!”
“My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.”
“I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.”
“When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...”
“These drugs have side effects that go on for fuckin' days, like tendency-to-grow-another-head, oh my God! When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine, side effects were paranoia, ninjas-on-the-lawn; quaaludes, side effects were talking in tongues, English as a second language; marijuana, side effects were laughter, Frosted Flakes.”
“We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."”
“Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. (indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor)”
“In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?”
“Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?”
“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
“I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
“They made porn movies, of my movies! Good Will Humping? It's okay... Wet Dreams May Cum? All right... Snatch Adams? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Popeye... I would watch that. "Ag-gag-gag-ga, I creamed me spinach!"”
“Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, "My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that?" "A book". "Who are you?" "Dad. I miss you. Let's talk."”
“There was one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs and sports. And his name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be. If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass like "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"”
“[regarding Sarah Palin] "I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.”
“Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.”
“Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.”
“Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.”
“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”
“When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction.”
“I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.”
“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
“I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.”
“I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.”
“I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.”
“Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.”
“Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.”
“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
“If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”
“I'm much more open to being a supporting actor right now. At the age of 60, I'll be second fiddle. Fine. I'm happy to do it.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.”
“What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.”
“If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'”
“Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'”
“Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.”
“Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.”
“I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there.”
“For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.”
“I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.”
“Reality: What a concept!”
“You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.”
“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”
“Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.”
“I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.”
“Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah.”
“Cricket is basically baseball on valium.”
“The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.”
“Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.”
“Performing comedy in San Francisco to begin with is pretty wild. You've got to - you've got the human game preserve to play off of. And it's a lot of great characters everywhere. You work off that, and then you play the rooms, and eventually you get to a point where you're playing a club that is a comedy club, with other comics.”
“I love kids, but they are a tough audience.”
“The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.”
“If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.”
“I bought one of the first Nintendo systems and brought that home, and we were playing 'Legend of Zelda' at the time, and it was addicting, and I was playing it for hours and hours and hours.”
“When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.”
“The 'Aladdin' thing - that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend.”
“My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly.”
“When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”
“You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.”
“I think 'Dead Poets' was probably my favorite, just to get started with the idea of doing a movie that people treated as more than a movie.”
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”