W. C. Fields
film actor, stage actor, actor, comedian, cabaret performer, screenwriter, circus performer, film director, writer, juggler, director
Read on Wikipedia1880 – 1946
All Quotes by W. C. Fields
“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
“I like children - fried.”
“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.”
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”
“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”
“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”
“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”
“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”
“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
“The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.”
“I like children - fried.”
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”
“Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.”
“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”
“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”
“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”
“I like children - fried.”
“I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.”
“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”
“I drink therefore I am.”
“I never met a kid I liked.”
“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”
“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.”
“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
“If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.”
“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”
“Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”
“The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.”
“On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.”
“I must have a drink of breakfast.”
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.”
“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”
“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.”
“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
“I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”
“There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.”
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
“Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.”
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”
“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”
“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”
“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”
“I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”
“Never give a sucker an even break.”
“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
“I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.”
“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”
“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”
“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”
“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”
“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”
“Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”
“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”
“Who knows what's funny?”
“Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.”
“I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.”
“I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.”
“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”
“Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times.”
“I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.”
“Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ...”
“If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.”
“She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave.”
“And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.”
““Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?” “Delighted, my dear,” he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. “Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it.” Halliwell’s Hundred:”
“I cook with wine, and sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”