Groucho Marx
comedian, film actor, television actor, stage actor, radio personality
Read on Wikipedia1890 – 1977
All Quotes by Groucho Marx
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
“A likely story — and probably true.”
“A man's only as old as the woman he feels.”
“Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
“I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".”
“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
“[Variant:] "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member".”
“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”
“Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet! (Variation on an old Royal Navy wardroom toast: "Wives and Sweethearts! May they never meet!")”
“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”
“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.”
“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
“I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.”
“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.”
“I like pancakes, but I haven't got a closet full of them!”
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.”
“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”
“I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.”
“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.”
“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”
“To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.”
“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”
“Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.”
“Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”
“Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”
“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”
“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
“I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”
“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”
“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
“I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”
“Women should be obscene and not heard.”
“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”
“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”
“My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”
“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”
“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”
“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”
“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
“Go, and never darken my towels again.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?”
“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”